You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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