Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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