He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
