Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
