Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
