the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
did i just pee glitter
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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