my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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