I didn't shave. On purpose
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
The air taste purple.
Randomize
