Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
