There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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