My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
