I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
