Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize