You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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