i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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