Just fell off a train. Bad.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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