you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
