My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
