Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Randomize
