i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
