She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
