You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
