I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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