Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
