Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
