i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
i now understand why vodka
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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