Your dad touched me again.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
