all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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