My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
