i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize