i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
