I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
