the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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