Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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