I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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