I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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