Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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