nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
