Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
