Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
