my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
