some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
