sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
