I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
