Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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