Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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