Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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