when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
