just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
