I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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