you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
