I wish I could teleport
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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