please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
