you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
