I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
