Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize