i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
