and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
