I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
