i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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